EIGHT TIPS TO NOT SABOTAGE YOUR RELATIONSHIPS WITH MEN
By Rhonda Findling
Tired of unhealthy relationships? Sick of running on the dating treadmill and seeing the same losers over and over again? The Dating Cure has the remedy!
True, there are a lot of jerks out there-but maybe, just maybe, some of the problem lies with you. Whether you are Ms. Picky, Ms. All about Me, or Ms. Eternal Bachelorette, The Dating Cure is full of helpful and fun information to help you identify and change the negative dating patterns that could be keeping you from finding that elusive healthy long-term relationship.
Tip # 1 - Don't Call Him First
In other words, don't make yourself so emotionally available right away. While it's unhealthy to play games with men, it's human nature that when someone is too available in your face, your desire for them starts to diminish, because they are not a challenge. Although, there's nothing wrong with calling men when you feel like it, being too available to a man can decrease your chances of having a successful relationship.
For instance, if you just had a great date with a man, wait for him to call you first, no matter how bubbling over with excitement you are. You can show or tell him your positive feelings for him when he's initiated the contact.
Often a man has to experience your absence in order for him to fantasize about and desire you. If you're too available, he doesn't get an opportunity to miss you and yearn for you.
Tip # 2 - Don't be so compliant!
When you're dating a man don't be such a pushover!
If you're too compliant think about why you're so anxious to please him. Are you afraid he'll reject you if you don't do whatever he wants? Do some soul searching and try to find out what's at the core of your deep need to please. Here are some other tips to help you overcome your pushover tendencies:
- Have boundaries and limits. If he asks you to do anything you don't want to do, just say "no" - that's setting a boundary
- If you set a limit and you get rejected, it means your man can't accept boundaries. So it's good that he's gone. Let him go - you deserve someone who respects your limits
- Be assertive and express your needs and desires.
- Be edgy. Being a little on the unpredictable side can be very exciting to a man.
Tip # 3 - Don't keep making the same lousy choices in men.
You'll learn more about making smart choices in men in later chapters , but for now you need to know that if you keep choosing men who are inappropriate and don't have the capacity for a relationship, you're definitely Sabotaging your success for healthy relationships.
Tip # 4 - Stop Blaming It On Yourself
When a man rejects you whether you've gone on just one date or had a relationship stop thinking it's because of something you did. Take a step back and realize it’s not all about you.
Some women will literally cling to their image of "what a loser" they are, refusing to look at other reasons for a relationship not lasting, blaming the man's lack of interest on their hair, body, weight, job, face, personality. They focus on their own self hatred rather than the men's ambivalent behavior.
So going forward, part of your work is to look at the whole picture-including the man and his issues-and not just at yourself
Tip # 5 - Stop Being Naive!
Sometimes women will know a man is "bad news" but rather be in denial or believe that he is going to miraculously change. They don't want to see or accept what's right in front of their eyes.
For instance, the man you're dating only sees you during the week, and not on the weekends. Or he doesn't give you his home phone number or address. This could indicate that there is another woman in his life-or it might mean that he's married.
Be sharp. If you ignore your gut and don't deal with the truth now you'll just have to deal with it later. Then it might be too late because you'll be attached, more vulnerable and possibly in love.
Tip # 6 - Do not waste time on men with severe emotional problems.
Once you recognize that a man has severe emotional problems, run for your life. Emotional problems can include drug addition, alcoholism or abusive behavior. The following is a list of abusive behaviors:
- He yells at you
- He argues with you
- He lies to you
- He manipulates you
- He says cruel things to you
- He intimidates you
- He threatens you
- He refuses to talk to you as a punishment
You know you've been abused if you regularly experience the following feelings with the man you're dating.
- If you're being abused you must acknowledge it. You can't conquer something if you deny its existence.
Tip # 7 - Don't act out your emotional issues with men you're dating
Be conscious and aware of how you relate to the men your dating. Don't reenact issues from your past, be it your parents or old boyfriends, with a new man in your life. Try to keep emotions separate from a new relationship. If you're feeling insecure or anxious due to psychological issues you’re struggling with or those are being stirred up by a man you're dating, try not to act out these feelings. Turn to your support system instead.
- Be sarcastic
- Be cruel
- Humiliate him
- Insult him
- Criticize him
- Be nasty
- Be mean spirited
- Hit him
- Push him
- Call him names
- Be judgmental
Instead, here are some suggestions of some healthier ways to relate to the men your dating.
- Treat him as you would like to be treated
- Think about what words come out of your mouth
- Don't just impulsively react
- If you're angry, take a deep breath, step away, go back to the earlier chapters and make a plan how to cope with your feelings.
- Don't just blindly repeat your parents' behavior - emotionally separate from them and make different choices on how to handle your relationships with men.
Tip # 8 - Don't cling.
Nothing turns off a man faster than a desperately clingy woman. Usually, women cling because they are afraid of being abandoned. So if you start panicking at the mere hint of rejection, work through your anxiety about losing him with people in your support system or your therapist.
Clinging does not make a man more mindful about his relationship with you. If anything, it only makes you look desperate, which often turns men off and causes them to distance further.
Allow him to have his space and when he does contact you then you can decide if you want to confront him about the way he relates to you, or if you just want to leave it alone.
Strengthen your emotional muscle regarding your fear of his rejection. When he's not around, work on "you" and making yourself feel more emotionally independent and powerful so that deep down you know you can survive if he does disappear. Then you won't have to be clingy!
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